Thornton Mom

I have been doing a lot of contemplating lately.  To begin with I am experiencing some PMDD so this may be some of the reason for my mood.  I have been grumpy with my children and they can’t seem to do anything right and are a huge annoyance.  I know that when I feel this way it I am not fully myself.  But I have also learned that this is the time the Lord uses to teach me. Monday my Uncle and Aunt and two of their kids came to visit us.  I was a little frustrated and overwhelmed that they were coming at such a busy time when I should be getting ready to drive to Utah and buy a new car.  But once they arrived I was reminded how much I enjoy my uncle.  A lot of my child hood and teenage memories are with him especially when it comes to water.  He and my Aunt Ruth were almost like an older brother and sister to me.   John Derek played hard, we all did, it was nice to relax and watch a movie together. When the family did arrive I...

Usually when I don't post for a while it is because things just aren't going well.  But this time things really have been going great! A couple of weeks ago I waited for my emotions to take a dive, but they haven't.  Sometimes I wonder if I am speaking too soon, but it is true.  I really have been good.  I don't know if it is the acupuncture that I am doing or if it's the Vitex herb I am taking.  Maybe a combination of the two.  But nevertheless I am doing good!! It has been so nice to not get easily overwhelmed by all that need to be done.  To be able to focus, to not make little things into a big deal, to not get agitated by the disorganization around the house, to not have the little things my kids do irritate me.  In fact I have felt an outpouring of love for them.  I am more patient, more willing to snuggle, more willing to listen and to be around them.  Overall things seem sweeter. I have been seeing a therapist along with Sa...

Maddie and Samantha stayed home from school the other day because they were "sick."  I had them spend the day in their bedroom.  I think they had more fun than I realized they would have.  With Legos, Paper Dolls, and lots of Stuffed Animals they were quite entertained. Last night was one of those nights.  The greatest blessing is that Derek was there and helped me through it.  After dinner he could tell that I felt out of control and overwhelmed.  He held me while I cried, told me how wonderful I was, that he loved me, that I haven't done anything wrong, and that he is not disappointed in me.  He then did the dishes and I went upstairs and read a talk given by Elder Holland entitled "The Atonement and Missionary Work."  It was so sweet to read the words he spoke and to feel the love of my Savior and Heavenly Father.  The talk was addressed to missionaries but I applied the words to me and my depression and really got a lot of the comf...

The last couple of days have been difficult.  It is my time to be hormonal but so frustrating.  On top of my mental and emotional problems Samantha is having a hard time too.  She repeatedly has breakdowns and always looks forlorn.  We had an especially bad one a couple of weeks ago.  After talking to the Therapist she recommended that we get a Psychiatrist to evaluate her and maybe give her medication.  I don't love the idea of putting her on medication but I don't know what else to do. As her mother I feel very inadequate.  I think that she needs a mother who loves to snuggle and loves to pay attention to every ache and pain that she reports, but that is not the mother she has.  This morning as I was pondering over this I was reminded that she was sent to me.  That there must be something I can give her that a cuddly mother could not give her.  I don't know what that is but I hope I can find it. Yesterday I was able to go to the te...

Visiting Samantha's Class for Lunch Visiting John Derek's Class for a Holiday Celebration Visiting Maddie's Class for her presentation on Christmas Cute kids who actually volunteered to help with the Christmas Cards.  They were amazing! As I began my prayer this morning I felt the need to pray for my depression.  I am learning to be specific in my prayers and so I felt guided to pray to know how to be prepared for when I fall into my depressive moods, to put things in place so that I won't struggle so much. The idea that came to me was menu planning.  That is a tedious task that I don't enjoy doing every two weeks but that I know really helps me.  I think I should menu plan for 6 months and make a weekly grocery list for that menu.  Then I can alter it if needed that week, but it will be in place and I don't have to stress about it. I also think I should only work on it for 15-30 min. a day so that I don't become frustrated with it....

I feel like I am trying to swim on just the surface of the water.  Below me is the cool water that I am afraid to put my feet into.  I want to say up here on the surface where the water is just a little bit warmer and familiar .  Ahead of me are obstacle and demands . . . I must keep myself afloat, I must help those around me float.  I am fearful that if I put my feet down and start to "feel" that I will loose control and sink.  But this does not allow me to support my children.  I can only help them so much when I am trying to keep myself on top of the water.  Physically I am there but emotionally I am not strong.  How I wish I had the faith that if I put my feet down I would touch the bottom and could then be the support and strength those around me need.  But I am fearful, fearful that the bottom will be too far away, that the cold will envelope me, that I will let go of any form of stability.  So I float, emotionally unavailable to ...

Michael and his cousin celebrate birthdays that are one day apart. Maddie enjoys cupcakes Who wouldn't like more whipping cream? Derek enjoyed the Turkey Bowl with Uncle Kyle and Elizabeth enjoyed her cousin. We all sat around the living room and had an impromptu talent show.  That was a lot of fun!!  John Derek started us off on the piano.  He also scored 2 touchdowns in the Turkey Bowl. Maddie enjoys her cousin who follows her around and wants to be just like her. Maddie woke up with a swollen eye.  But a quick trip to an urgent care cleared things up in a day or two. Godly Characteristics of the Master Ezra Taft Benson, October 1986 General Conference "A priesthood holder who would curse his wife, abuse her with words or a...

Elizabeth loves to hang out with Michael.  She feel a lot of love for him.  I love to see my kids getting a long together. I don't know if this video will work but . . . The other day as we were sitting at dinner Michael was experiamenting with his water.  He would take a sip and then spit it back into the cup.  He would then say, "Look mom, bubbles, did you see it?"  When I said no he said, "Okay, I do it again."  We all got a good laugh out of this.  Cute kid!! What Lack I Yet? Larry R. Lawrence, October 2015 General Conference "President Harold B. Lee taught, “Every one of us, if we would reach perfection, must [at] one time ask ourselves this question, ‘What lack I yet?’” 5" October 2015 Perfection,Sacrament,Depression,Self-estee...

Our first day in Disney started in Hollywood Studios.  We began on Rocking Roller coaster and then immediately went to Tower of Terror.  Maddie and Michael waited patiently for all of us to ride those rides and were quite delighted by the reward of Disney Jr. Live!  Everyone did great on Rocking Roller coaster but Samantha did not like the Tower of Terror and when I went on with Elizabeth I was terrified.  I kept grabbing her leg as we would go up and down.  I was really wondering why I even got on this ride.  I was grateful when it was over.  Elizabeth loved it, it was by far her favorite ride. Because my feet are not yet back to normal I ended up being in a wheel chair for the trip.  It defiantly had it's advantages.  One was that we got to sit right up front for many of the shows.  Here Maddie and Samantha wait for Beauty and the Beast to begin.  That was stunningly beautiful and fun. Michael wanted nothing more than t...

I was able to go to Samantha's school the other day and see some of the work she has done.  It was so cute to see that she wrote a letter to BYU Admissions telling them why she wants to go there.  Samantha is a good girl.  She tries so hard to please others.  She is having a very difficult time right now.  I finally uncovered that her teacher is yelling at the class and she is taking it personally.  She is also does not have the best self estem right now.  We have talked with her and feel that it is time to find a new therapist.  This was a hard thing for me to deal with.  Thinking that I should be doing more, that if I was a better mom she wouldn't need therapy.  But my sweet Heavenly Father let me know that I am a good mom and that this is beyond me and I need help.  Just as I would seek help for JD's reading I can't do this by myself.  I have faith that she will become the Young Woman the Lord wants her to be. Hig...

I have been struggling the last few weeks with depression.  It comes and goes but has mostly just settled over me and remains pretty constant.  Derek and I had the opportunity to have a couple of days to ourselves while our sister-in-law watched the kids.  At one point we started talking about my feelings.  I expresed that with the depression I am having a hard time with the life I have been given.  That I feel it is not the life I wanted.  That I do not enjoy being a mother and would have been happier with a different life.  I will often complain to God about this, about how the only reason I am a mother is because He wanted me to be one.  That each of these children that were born into our family are here because He wanted them here.  That evening Derek had a meeting for Bishops and Stake Presidency's.  When he came home he said that he had something he felt he should share with me.  He talked of Christ, how Christ only did ...

The Black Dog is back.  After 3 months of hardly any sign of him he came back.  He started showing up a little last week and by yesterday and today he has taken over.  Man it has been hard.  I do have to say he isn't as strong as he was 6 months ago but he is trying.  This morning I curled up in my closet and cried (that's how I know he is here in full force.)  My kids are trying not to let it bother them but he's not very nice.  I am not sure what to do but wait until he has passed.  I know he will and that is comforting. I had felt prompted Tuesday to get a blessing but didn't so tonight I asked for one.  In the blessing I was told to serve, to seek the Spirit, to eat good foods, and that I could find ways to exercise.  I have been eating everything in sight and nothing good, and exercise has not existed since I broke my foot.  I think the foot and the black dog are making it hard this time.  My sweet mom sent me a huge...

John Derek came home from school happy.  But within minutes was getting frustrated.  Nothing was going right and he was mad.  I finally sent him to his room.  A little while later he came down much more calm and said that he needed to talk to me.  He remembered that if he gets mad afterschool it is because something went wrong and school and he needs to talk about it.  So we went and got ice cream and picked Elizabet up from practice.  I was so proud of him for remembering to come talk to me.  I had even forgotten that.  But we talked, he got it out and then we had good discussions while we drove.   That evening I gave John Derek a hair cut.  In the middle of the cut he said, "I want to marry a wife that can cut hair, or maybe I can cut the hair, but one of us can cut hair."  We then discussed what he wanted in a wife, "Someone who reads her scriptures, is strong in the church, is good."  I was so impressed with ...

Today I was enjoying talking to my mom on the phone as I drove to the temple.  She asked me, "How are you doing?"  Without thinking I replied, "Great!"  That answer caught me off guard.  Over the past several months if someone asked me how I was doing I would reply a half hearted, "fine."  But today I replied "Great," which had been my common answer for years of my life.  I had noticed that it was gone for a while, I just couldn't lie to people, I was not great. As I pondered this statement today I thought of several things that have made me "Great!" My Heavenly Father loves me.  He is happy with who I am.  Yes He is guiding me in my change to be a better person but He loves me.  The other day I was reminded of some special experiances I had had that let me know He is aware of me and loves me.  I was reminded that "I am enough."  When I am about to give myself a hard time for not doing or being _____ I remind my...

Derek and Michael on the "little boat"   We always have fun at the Lake.  We feel so blessed to be able to go up there whenever we want.  My inlaws are so kind to encourage us and to support us going there.     Derek has a lot on his plate.  It was so nice to see him relax up at the Lake.  I felt like his burdens were lifted for a little while and he was able to be himself and enjoy his time.  He deserves it.   Book of Mormon, Alma 33:20 "Now the reason they would not look is because they did not believe that it would heal them." Do I believe that He can heal me? Yes, I do. I believe that this depression can be healed and that I will no longer have to struggle with it. But I do not feel that that is His will for me. I keep feeling that I have to go through this depression in order to help others. That I ...