I have been struggling the last few weeks with depression. It comes and goes but has mostly just settled over me and remains pretty constant. Derek and I had the opportunity to have a couple of days to ourselves while our sister-in-law watched the kids. At one point we started talking about my feelings. I expresed that with the depression I am having a hard time with the life I have been given. That I feel it is not the life I wanted. That I do not enjoy being a mother and would have been happier with a different life. I will often complain to God about this, about how the only reason I am a mother is because He wanted me to be one. That each of these children that were born into our family are here because He wanted them here.
That evening Derek had a meeting for Bishops and Stake Presidency's. When he came home he said that he had something he felt he should share with me. He talked of Christ, how Christ only did the will of His Father. That the atonement was not something Christ wanted to do but He did it because it was the will of His Father.
I was reminded of a talk I gave in 2010 on selflessness. This is an excerpt from that talk:
In 1 Nep. 11:16 we read: “Knowest thou the condescension of God?” Christ had to come down He had to condescend, to voluntarily assume equality with us who are inferior to Him. Christ did His Father’s will He selflessly condescended below us all. To me selflessness means doing the Father’s will.
Christ knew that doing His Father’s will would be hard. He knew that He was going to suffer. In the Garden Christ says, “Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.” (Mark 14:36) He didn’t want to suffer but He did it because He was doing His Father’s will. Being selfless is not easy. We will be tried, it will be hard.
"nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt." How many times have I heard those words and thought that I could say that when a trial came. In my mind the trial has always been the death of a loved one or some major event. But last night as Derek reminded me of those words I realized that I need to submit myself to God's will. And I realized just how hard it is to say those words.
This is definatly something I am going to ponder today as I attend Sacrament Meeting. It is a fight I have had to deal with before and I know I will have to deal with it again. But I have an amazing faith in my Father in Heaven. Despite my depression and my trials I know that God loves me. I know that He wants what is best for me. I know that the feelings I have expressed are from Satan and from the depression that is swirling around me. But I also know that it will pass. That someday soon my heart will lift again and I will be better able to move forward with the life I have been given.
I am very grateful for Derek. I feel like he is the constant in my life and that our relationship is so easy because I needed that blessing to face all the other challenges I have to face. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for him and thank Him every day.
That evening Derek had a meeting for Bishops and Stake Presidency's. When he came home he said that he had something he felt he should share with me. He talked of Christ, how Christ only did the will of His Father. That the atonement was not something Christ wanted to do but He did it because it was the will of His Father.
I was reminded of a talk I gave in 2010 on selflessness. This is an excerpt from that talk:
In 1 Nep. 11:16 we read: “Knowest thou the condescension of God?” Christ had to come down He had to condescend, to voluntarily assume equality with us who are inferior to Him. Christ did His Father’s will He selflessly condescended below us all. To me selflessness means doing the Father’s will.
Christ knew that doing His Father’s will would be hard. He knew that He was going to suffer. In the Garden Christ says, “Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.” (Mark 14:36) He didn’t want to suffer but He did it because He was doing His Father’s will. Being selfless is not easy. We will be tried, it will be hard.
"nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt." How many times have I heard those words and thought that I could say that when a trial came. In my mind the trial has always been the death of a loved one or some major event. But last night as Derek reminded me of those words I realized that I need to submit myself to God's will. And I realized just how hard it is to say those words.
This is definatly something I am going to ponder today as I attend Sacrament Meeting. It is a fight I have had to deal with before and I know I will have to deal with it again. But I have an amazing faith in my Father in Heaven. Despite my depression and my trials I know that God loves me. I know that He wants what is best for me. I know that the feelings I have expressed are from Satan and from the depression that is swirling around me. But I also know that it will pass. That someday soon my heart will lift again and I will be better able to move forward with the life I have been given.
I am very grateful for Derek. I feel like he is the constant in my life and that our relationship is so easy because I needed that blessing to face all the other challenges I have to face. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for him and thank Him every day.
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