My Wall

I have been doing a lot of contemplating lately.  To begin with I am experiencing some PMDD so this may be some of the reason for my mood.  I have been grumpy with my children and they can’t seem to do anything right and are a huge annoyance.  I know that when I feel this way it I am not fully myself.  But I have also learned that this is the time the Lord uses to teach me.

Monday my Uncle and Aunt and two of their kids came to visit us.  I was a little frustrated and overwhelmed that they were coming at such a busy time when I should be getting ready to drive to Utah and buy a new car.  But once they arrived I was reminded how much I enjoy my uncle.  A lot of my child hood and teenage memories are with him especially when it comes to water.  He and my Aunt Ruth were almost like an older brother and sister to me.  

John Derek played hard, we all did, it was nice to relax and watch a movie together.

When the family did arrive I noticed a wall went up, a defense, a protection.  I was guarded in all my responses and careful of revealing any of my emotions.  At one point my uncle and I went out on the boat with Michael who fell asleep in about 5 min.  I again was reminded how fun it is to hang out with him.  I had to tell myself over and over that I could relax that I could enjoy this and be myself.  That worked for a little while and I felt my frustration leave and I truly enjoyed myself the rest of the evening.

I was amazed at how happy my uncle and his family were.  They were kind to each other and interested in each other.  When one of their kids asked for something that the kid could have easily done for themselves the parents were happy to help and didn’t role their eyes.  And the same was true the other way around.  The kids were happy to help their parents in the things they asked. 

At one point my uncle was reminiscing about a moment he had remembered about his oldest son who is now in college.  Tears were brought to his eyes and I could see the love that he had for his son when his son was a child and the love that he has for him now that he is grown.  I tried to relate an experience I had had with a young family that reminds myself of Derek and I.  But the only words that came out of my mouth had a negative tone to them.  My uncle made the comment that those memories can be sweet but we can also be happy now.  This is what has gotten me contemplating. 

Deep in my heart I feel a happy soul craving to get out.  The soul that on my really good days doesn’t mind the spills, the mess, the favors asked of me.  The soul that finds joy in what my children do and the way that they make me laugh.  The soul that is the mom I want to be.  But I feel that those days are few and far between.  That most days, even good days, there is a defense up.  There is a barrier that won’t let me be spontaneous, that worries that if I am nice my kids will walk all over me wanting things, that I can’t enjoy things or be happy.  That I have to be serious and put together, responsible, in control.  Maybe that’s what it is?  Maybe I am afraid that if I am happy I won’t be in control because I am letting my emotions take over and I am not sure what they are going to do or how others will react to them.

I don’t have a solution but I do find joy in my husband, who I feel I can be myself around and I do want to find joy in my children but I don’t know how.  That is what I am praying for continually, everyday.  I want to truly enjoy my children.