Thornton Mom

I feel like I am trying to swim on just the surface of the water.  Below me is the cool water that I am afraid to put my feet into.  I want to say up here on the surface where the water is just a little bit warmer and familiar .  Ahead of me are obstacle and demands . . . I must keep myself afloat, I must help those around me float.  I am fearful that if I put my feet down and start to "feel" that I will loose control and sink.  But this does not allow me to support my children.  I can only help them so much when I am trying to keep myself on top of the water.  Physically I am there but emotionally I am not strong.  How I wish I had the faith that if I put my feet down I would touch the bottom and could then be the support and strength those around me need.  But I am fearful, fearful that the bottom will be too far away, that the cold will envelope me, that I will let go of any form of stability.  So I float, emotionally unavailable to ...

Elizabeth had her last home game for Middle School.  The Athletic Department gave all the 8th graders red roses to say goodbye to them.  Elizabeth is a great girl.  She has worked hard at volleyball and I am proud of her persistence even when things don't go the way she wants.  She was expecting to play a lot this year but new coaches were put in and they have different ideas and Elizabeth has spent most of the season on the bench.   She still presses forward and fulfills her commitments. Derek and I took Samantha to the Lego Store for her birthday.  She loved it.  We then went to the Cheesecake Factory and had Cheesecake.  It was delightful.  We are so happy for our sweet Samantha and so glad that she is part of our family. Recently I talked about wanting to find out what brings me joy.  I had read a book about motherhood and how to be happy in motherhood.  The author talks about how she loves being a pediatrician....

Samantha was in her 4th grade play yesterday.  It was awesome to see her so happy and enjoying it so much.  She did a great job.  She was not shy, she stood up and delivered her lines, she didn't even need a micraphone because she could project her voice so well, she smiled and was genuenly happy. Samantha had really wanted a lead part.  She worked really hard to memorize her lines.  She was the only kid in her class who go to be on stage for the whole play.  When the kids tried out the performed in front of their peers and then the peers voted.  Samantha won hands down.  Her teacher said she was by far the best and that no one came close to doing as well as she did.  She is such a joy and it is so fun to see her do something that she enjoys so much. Alma 43:14-15   14  Therefore, my son, see that you are merciful unto your brethren; deal justly , judge righteously, and do good continually; and if ye do all these thi...

Derek and Michael on the "little boat"   We always have fun at the Lake.  We feel so blessed to be able to go up there whenever we want.  My inlaws are so kind to encourage us and to support us going there.     Derek has a lot on his plate.  It was so nice to see him relax up at the Lake.  I felt like his burdens were lifted for a little while and he was able to be himself and enjoy his time.  He deserves it.   Book of Mormon, Alma 33:20 "Now the reason they would not look is because they did not believe that it would heal them." Do I believe that He can heal me? Yes, I do. I believe that this depression can be healed and that I will no longer have to struggle with it. But I do not feel that that is His will for me. I keep feeling that I have to go through this depression in order to help others. That I ...

Okay you ask, "Why do you have a picture of your sink?"  Let me tell you.  About 2 weeks ago I started a program called the Flylady .  It is a cleaning program but goes so much deeper than that.  It helps with my protectionism, shows me why I have been living like I do, fills in a lot of questions about myself, teaches me to accept me for who I am, to enjoy life, to not get angry at the little things . . . in other words, I really do like the program.  I feel like it is helping me to be a better person for me and my family. Well the Flylady's signature 1st step is to clean your sink, to make it shinny.  This you are supposed to do every night before you go to bed so that in the morning you are greeted with a clean sink.  And so for the past 2 weeks before I go to bed I have shined my sink.  Last night I was tired,  I had not slept well the night before, was not myself all day, had the kids help me clean up before dinner because they we...

Last night I was able to go to the Temple with my husband.  All week I had been trying to get an appointment but several things kept preventing me from making it.  Saturday morning I tried again unsuccessfuly, and wondered if Satan was trying to prevent us from going.  What a blessing it was when my husband told me that he had made an appointment and we got the last two seats!  I am so grateful for his dedication to this gospel.   The Temple was wonderful.  I had had some very special experiences earlier in the day and was looking forward to sharing them with Derek in the Celestial room.  As we were in the temple I felt the Lord's peace so strongly.  My depression is very heavy right now and I don't view myself in the best light.  But as negative thoughts would enter my head they were immediately rebuffed by my Heavenly Father, comforting me and telling me it was "okay," or "that is not the case," or "don't worr...

I woke my kids up for scripture study and 3 min. later the phone rings.  School has been canceled because of snow.  Derek is out of town until late tonight and we are stuck at home again. I ended up taking Michael in for a shot of antibiotics because he has had an ear infection for about 4 weeks.  The roads are snowy but we made it home safe.  Dreams of playing in the snow with my kids are shattered when my stomach starts to hurt and I have to lay down.  Oh how I wish Derek were home.  I take a nap and Elizabeth takes charge.  She cleans the kitchen and keeps everyone happy.  I get a notification that Derek's plane is delayed.  He sends me a text that he will try to get an earlier flight if they get out of meetings early and will call me once his phone is charged.  Oh, how I wish he were home. We turn on a movie and Derek calls.  The plane is delayed an hour and a half.  It is nice to hear his voice.  He asks if he c...

On of my favorite things about my wonderful husband is his love for our children.  When he is home for bedtime he always has such patience with our kids.  He is the first of offer a story and makes sure that prayers are said and teeth are brushed.  Such a joy and blessing to have such a devoted father and husband. Last night as we were drifting off to sleep he apologized for all the time he has to spend away from us.  I commented that I was grateful that when he was away he is either doing church responsibilities or work and not 'hanging out with the guys.'  He responded, "I hope you know that where I want to be is with you."  Again, I am so blessed. John Derek is behind the book with arms, he didn't want his picture taken. :-) Drawing on the Powers of Heaven , by Grant Von Harrison pg. 9-- " . . . there are many blessings the Lord would like to extend to individual members of the Church if they would merely exercise the faith that would allow...

The Infinite Atonement by Tad R. Callister (Illustrated Edition) pg. 41 . "Melvin J. Ballard, who was privileged for a brief moment to dream of being in [God's physical] presence, recounts: 'If I shall live to be a million years old, I shall never forget that smile.  He [the Savior] took me into his arms and kissed me, pressed me to his bosom, and blessed me, until the narrow of my bones seemed to melt! . . . The feeling that I had in the presence of him who hath all things in his hands, to have his love, his affection, and his blessing was such that if I ever can receive that of which I had but a foretaste, I would give all that I am, all that I ever hope to be, to feel what I then felt!'" I desire to feel that joy.  To feel that Love.  After reading things like that my heart can catch a glimps of that Love and it yearns for it.  I think it is my spirit remembering and yearning.  I do look forward to the day that I can be in the presence of my Savior and act...